Story of You

Restarting, once again…

It's 1:30pm and I'm restarting, once again… Two hours before our final reading, and probably not enough time to write anything substantial enough, let alone anything resembling a creative non-fiction. Over the past few days, I've had the urge to restart multiple times, but only decided to commit to this urge after I watched the 220B final project showcase last night. Each project there was so personalized and full of intention. My old draft was a generalization that I just applied onto myself.

This isn't the first time that I'm restarting, though. In Music 256A last year in the Fall, every project resulted in me completely scrapping whatever I had for the milestones, and crafting something new for the finals. This led to a playable Tetris visualizer made purely out of GTexts in two days, a sequencer based on the Tusi Couple made in three days, and a pixel-art 2D side-scrolling game made in half a week. This process of restarting and coming to the final with something brand new that I just pulled out of my ass became my trademark, I guess. Note: I still do not see what some people saw in my Tetris visualizer.

However, you won't know this about me unless you were in that Music 256A class. For my projects in Music and AI, I did not restart any of my projects at all. I just had a 1-on-1 with Andrew two hours ago (as of writing this) where I brought up this phenomenon. My conclusion was that I was just copping out, even though I didn't know that I was until now. I was familiar enough with ChuGL to a point where I knew that I could create something good in just a few hours and call it a day. And once it was done, I'd just ship it without any further thought. They were cool ideas, but I could have afforded to think deeper about them. Where am I in these projects? What makes it special besides the technicality of it that I've practiced enough to be easy for me?

Looking at all of your projects in this class, I've realized that it's hard for me to create something simple, yet effective. I always draw myself towards technically-challenging projects that don't give me the time to think about the aesthetics. Something like auto-rizz, for example, is technically simple, yet provides playfulness and a human connection that speaks louder than the technical simplicity. I could not create something like this. I wish I could, and I admire a lot of the projects that you guys have created this quarter.

Music 256A was my first time using ChucK and ChuGL, besides the limited exposure that I had in SLOrk the spring before. My first milestone was a crappy motorcycle HUD using GLines, which I now have enough knowledge to say that changing the camera to an orthographic view would've made everything a lot easier. I restarted two days prior to the final deliverable and put a lot of thought into what I could make that was simple enough to be done in two days but also something that fulfilled me in the end. The result of that was my Tetris visualizer. Similar anecdotes could be provided for my other Music 256A projects.

I also realize that I had a lot more to say about those projects. My reflections for those came naturally, whereas for the projects in this class, I realized that I had nothing to say. I ended up writing about topics unrelated to the project at all, and I guess they ended up as a place to dump my inner thoughts rather than a place for me to reflect on the work that I've done.

Well, it seems relevant now to say that Gray and I are also restarting on our game for GGRMA, which used to be Fireflies. Not scrapping it, but putting it on hold for a while. We've come up with a simpler idea, technically, that we both feel more motivated to work on. More about this at the next GGRMA meeting.

Perhaps I should tie all of this into AI somehow. I guess I can see a connection. With AI, it's become so easy to create and ship something fast, similar to how I created some prototypes in a few hours and called it a day. However, no one really feels fulfilled by doing so. There's no substance in these things. Perhaps it's functional and a cool idea, but there's no connection to be made, and no trademark to maintain.

I'm thinking about how to conclude all of this since it's 2:39pm right now. I don't have a message in a bottle. This ended up not even being a creative non-fiction. Well, my old draft is included below and is more of a creative non-fiction than this is. I'm starting to feel an urge to restart once again… But it's too late to.

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Change

All things eventually change. The clock ticks every second, the sun rises and sets every day, the weather fluctuates every month, and the immovable boulder in your backyard continually erodes over the years. All things eventually change, including you and the people around you. Your mood changes every day, your hair grows noticeably longer every month, and your friendships continually falter and flourish over the years. Your interests, ethics, values, and personality change, eventually leaving yourself unrecognizable, perhaps even by yourself. All things eventually change, even the people that you don't know or the people that you look up to. The band that you listened to growing up might not be together anymore, the youtuber that you used to watch might have changed the type of content that they upload, or the podcast that you tuned in to regularly last year might have adopted ideals that you disagree with. All things eventually change, but it's irrefutable that the past was once the present, and that the present was once the future.

The Past

The past was once the present. You're planning on seeing your favorite band this weekend, you open YouTube to see a new gaming video from your favorite gaming YouTuber, and you'll be tuning in to the "Lunch Special" podcast that airs every day. These are things that you're excited about and look forward to. You have no idea that your favorite band will break up, your favorite gaming YouTuber will pivot, and that the "Lunch Special" podcast will be cancelled and replaced by the "Dinner Special" reality TV show. But for now, you enjoy these things as they are, and welcome them as parts of your daily life.

The Present

The present was once the future. Your favorite band disbanded, you pulled up your favorite gaming YouTuber's page only to find makeup tutorials, and your daily "Lunch Special" podcast got rebranded as a trashy reality TV show that presents hot and unsettling takes. These things don't affect you — you've found a new band to follow, a new YouTuber to binge watch, and a new podcast to tune in to. But every once in a while, you miss the old things, and reminisce on that time of your life where these things made up your daily routine. You ask yourself: "What happened to the people who were part of the band, the person behind the YouTube channel, and the producers of the podcast? Why and how did they change?"

You realize that it wasn't just them that changed, but you did too. You discovered new music to listen to, pursued new hobbies and interests, and adopted new ideals and values. You no longer align yourself with the past version of you that existed alongside the above things, but you acknowledge that there was once a time when you did. Can you separate the art you once loved from the artists you are now estranged from?

Substance

The future is now the present. You are now part of a growing band, the YouTube channel you started has gained some traction, and you have launched your own podcast, the "Breakfast Special." People look up to you now, just like how you looked up to others in the past. Yet you're still changing. The things that provide you substance now will no longer define you in the future. You feel estranged from these things, and wonder if you yourself even contain any substance anymore. Yet you recognize that these things still provide substance for others.

AI

All you want now is to find another source of substance to pursue. With AI, dipping your toes into any specific subject hasn't been easier. You try things out and move fast. However, you soon find yourself deep in a hole. In a field of holes. You start to feel a familiar feeling — estrangement. You realize that you're just standing still in the field while AI is digging the holes for you. The AI isn't providing you with a shovel — it puts a shovel in your hands, then takes it away from you. The shovel is the substance.

Growth

You weren't just standing there. You observed the holes being dug, and realize the substance that lies deep inside. You take back the shovel, dig a new hole, and bury the AI six feet under. You continue digging these holes yourself, with your own shovel and your own shoulders.

Who am I?

The above vignettes are generalized, but they are all things that I've been thinking about this past quarter. At the beginning of the quarter, I said that I didn't like learning, that I was a bad student, and that learning was just a means to an end. And yes, I still believe this. But now more than ever, I realize the power that learning has. In an age where people have stopped learning, I still want to continue to learn.